The following post is deeply insensitive and very, very poorly informed.
I recently had the misfortune of being directed to the Sun website, only to find myself faced with an image of what we in the medical profession call Henan Dickback Syndrome (HDS). Perhaps you had a similar experience just milliseconds ago, in which case you feel my pain and you are my brother. Embrace me.
My first reaction to this story was 'You lucky bastard'. After all, there must be some logic behind the phrase 'as happy as a dog with two dicks', in which case this kid has the best of both worlds - the ability to be the filling in a delicious mandwich AND possession of opposable thumbs. Then there's the career prospects of being a sideshow attraction and the star of one of Channel 4's thinly-veiled televised freakshows. He must be fucking thrilled.
Upon further inspection, however, I discovered that HDS is merely a very slight form of a condition called FOETUS IN FOETU - also known as The Horror - and realised what really makes this kid so lucky. It could have been so much worse. Plus, spinal phalluses probably don't even work.
For the blissfully ignorant, full-blown foetus in foetu is 'a developmental abnormality in which a fetus gets enveloped inside its twin and an entire living organ system with torso and limbs can develop inside the host' (thanks, Wikipedia). That roughly translates as 'a semi-human parasite that lives inside your child' or 'pretty much the worst thing I can think of ever'. That is, until you read further in the wiki entry and realise that this occurs in around 1 in every 500,000 live births.
MATHS TIME!
- The Horror occurs in 1 in every 500,000 instances of baby.
- There are around 6,705,000,000 people on Earth.
- 6,705,000,000 divided by 500,000 = 13,410 demonic parasite twins.
- Therefore there are enough of these horrific mutant bastards to populate a small town and form an army.
- We are all fucked.
This article brought me back five years to Channel 4's 'The Boy Who Gave Birth To His Twin'. Snappy title and incredibly disturbing content. In true Bodyshock 'whaaw, fuck look at that!' style, it followed the story of Alamjan Nematilaev, a boy from Kazakhstan who at the age of seven had been given the seriously raw deal of being diagnosed as one of these twisted human matryoshka dolls. I won't bore you with the details but there's a scene near the end where, after a complex surgical procedure, the kid shakes hands with The Horror as it sits nicely pickled on a stainless steel bench. It looks like somebody deflated Sloth from The Goonies and it is truly hellish.
Oh look, YouTube's got it!
Sleep tight.
2 comments:
Two vital points to be made here:
1. It's high time a 'speculative sci-fi' blockbuster was made on the subject of WHAT IF the 13,410 of them DID ACTUALLY come together in grisly unity and wage war on 'the normals' i.e. us. The Chapman bros. could definitely immortalise the ensuing conflict in elaborate scale models.
2. There is a well-rounded taste for morbidity developing on this blog so let's keep up the good work.
yeah this is fucked up... and im reading it in an open plan office in france so the blog title must seem quite fitting to unsuspecting passerbys
Post a Comment