These are testing times. You know it, I know it, and anyone somewhat familiar with the British financial scene certainly knows it. Yet when I decided, in my foolish naïveté, to put the past behind me and look towards the future, things only worsened: I realized that the future is here, and it’s a pretty miserable place. Perhaps using the term apocalyptic is slightly over-exaggerating, but it does feel like we’re closer to the end than ever before. As we hurtle towards self-destruction, I though I’d reminisce about several recent events that have helped facilitate our imminent ruin.Reasons the future is now and the world is ending:
- Two satellites collide in space; scientists reveal the chances of this are slim, but ever-increasing, as the atmosphere is crammed full of satellites. So we’ve managed to overpopulate our nearby space, as well.
- Two nuclear submarines collide in the mid-Atlantic, both carrying nuclear missiles. After centuries of competition, France and Britain narrowly avoid collaborating in the destruction of an ocean.
- Scientists develop a memory-erasing pill. Ethical implications abound; images conjured up concerning evil little bald men in white jackets plotting to commit horrific crimes and erase their tracks through induced memory loss.
- The race is on to discover the so-called ‘God particle’, with—wait, there’s a ‘God particle’?! And more than one organization knows where to find it?! But it has yet to be discovered? How can they know it exists? [head explodes] (Particle would actually explain why matter has mass (thereby revealing God’s biggest secret, or something), and has only been predicted. But head is still exploded.)
- The economy… ugh. Do I even need to go there? It’s crippled beyond recognition, and for any poor sod unfortunate enough to be graduating this summer or the next several to follow, the world is a barren, desolate place, the terms “vacancy” and “bonus” mere myths from yesteryear.
- While we sit contently at a comfortable height above seas level, the less fortunate inhabitants of Pacific atolls – many of which only creep fractions of a metre above the ocean – are ever so gradually watching their homes sink. Nothing like the actions of the developed world literally drowning any hope of prosperity in the less developed world to make you feel guilty about not recycling.
- The Queen updates the Official Website of The British Monarchy… the Queen has a website?! Does she blog? Her_royal_heigness.blogspot.com? Perhaps she Twitters – that’s more her style, methinks. Er, one thinks.
- Alfie the 13 year old dad… well, I suppose this is more like a step backwards in time. When asked what his financial plans were concerning his child, his response was “what does financial mean?” To be honest, kid, these days you’re better off not knowing.
